Monday, June 13, 2005

Eight is enough????????

Saturday when I was at the bank trying to straighten out a mistake with my checking account, the young woman (OK turns out she was only 3 years younger than me, but somehow not having children makes a woman LOOK so much younger!) who was helping me said something which made me respond with an answer that revealed I had 8 children. She was in utter shock and then started into the typical litany of questions I often old are they? many boys? girls? how old am I? Am I married to their day? Did I always want that many kids? and the BIG ONE....are you planning to have more?

Years ago, back on baby 4 or 5, I would always answer "If the Lord choses to send us more, I will embrace them with open arms." After my horrible pregnancy with Will and the resulting aftermath that left him in NICU on C-PAP my new mantra soon became "Eight is enough." and to myself would say I am tired, I worry about the energy I can give to each child I already have. Once the trauma of his birth passed, I revised my answer and would say "I don't think my body can handle another pregnancy, but if the Lord sees fit to send me a baby another way, I will gladly raise it."

On Saturday, when I gave her that response, for the first time I was sad. I have been sad ever since, I suppose mourning the thought of not carrying another child. I know a lot of it has to do with Will's impending 1st birthday, just over 2 weeks away. Some of it has to do with feeling "too old" to carry another pregnancy (I know many of you would disagree that 36 is certainly not too old...sideways glance at my pal Kas). Honestly, there is nothing keeping me from getting pregnant again.....well other than the fact that my cycles haven't returned yet and Will is such an avid nurser. We aren't "careful" and Jay refuses to take any permanent measures...I suppose it could happen, but I just have the strongest feeling that it won't....does that make any sense?

Maybe it is having teens that makes me feel this way. Last night the girls went down to the local theater to try out for a play (well actually a musical, we didn't realize that, my girls aren't singers!) and I watched this adorable 17 year old boy fall all over my 13 year old daughter (she looks older than 13 but she quickly made sure he knew her age! It didn't seem to deter him!)...maybe just maybe that has added to me feeling "past my prime".

There is really no point to this entry...just my rambling....heck the last time I was this sappy about not being pregnant (my birthday in Nov 2003), those two little lines appeared on the stick not even 2 weeks that better not happen....I guess I should be careful what a lament over!


Valerie said...

LOL! For a minute there I was thinking you were leading into another pregnancy announcement! :-) I know, shut my mouth!

Laura said...

Like I said,the last time I was all sappy about this, I was pregnant with Will less than a month later...can't see it has to be hormones!

Anonymous said...

Awww, hang in there :) I think it's those 1year baby blue hormones that kick in. I am having post-breastfeeding blues or something. Nathan is 2 1/2 now and was weaned at around 2, but I am actually sad. I miss the bond we had while he was breastfeeding. I had my tubes tied when I had him, because I had all of our children (four of them) by c-section, I don't think I could handle another c-section, or I probably would have had more. Anyway, I know how you feel, even though people might think we are crazy LOL!
Your Pal,
Tisha :)